March 22, 2007 at 10:42 PM MST
Today was a rough day. Cam didn't feel well and skipped rehab to lie down. When he got up, it was four and the pain was so bad he needed two pills to calm things down. Paul O'connor was there to just make Cam feel loved. Thanks, Paul!
Constant pain is not easy to deal with, I know in a small way. The injury I received in a car accident 2 years ago is flaring up with all the massaging and bending and pushing the chair. It's not bad enough for pain pills, but it burns, and every time it does, my empathy barometer shoots way up there and I say a prayer of thanks that I don't have to deal with what Cam does.
I was brushing my teeth tonight, and I looked over at Cam in his chair, and I got really angry and wanted to tell him to quit messing around and get out of it! It was a flash-in-the-pan type thought and left quickly, but it was so surreal! I had to blink twice before it disappeared. I did not like it at all.
The days are slowly melting into one another getting up so often every night, but it's now part of our "NEW NORMAL". Ya do what ya gots ta do!
Our friends are here from Arizona for a daughter's wedding. We are going to dinner tomorrow night and enjoy each other's company again. Then, the reception is Saturday night. Cam's dad is on his way, and his mom will be here next week. Graduations are in April, so the family will be here from Canada, along with a missionary homecoming. This month seems like a vacation!
Thanks for reading this, all y'all (that's plural). Have a good day and we'll leave the light on for you!
Love always,
Sharon

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March 21, 2007 at 08:10 PM MST Wow, you guys! I have myself an old-fashioned pity-party, and y'all just play along and bring me gifts to boot! Really, though, thank you so much. You lifted my whole day to new heights! You are so awesome! I guess being amazingly tired had a lot to do with it. The stages one has to go through can throw one for a loop. I just figured since I felt so at peace that I wouldn't have to go through the rest. Well, dang it, I discovered that I am just human enough to have to do it. So, I will acknowledge that (like I have any other choice : ) in the matter), and do what needs to be done. Cam and I have talked about some of the things we need to realize, and we will deal with them in love and acceptance. THEN we can move ahead fully.
I went to a fragrance party today and made my own signature scent. I was a little late because felt I needed to help Cam with some morning activities. He kept telling me to go and have a good time; enjoy myself. Boy, the guilt I feel being able to just walk out the door and drive away. Some days, he can barely wheel himself into the next room. I didn't want to go because I really wanted to be needed. He told me he was very capable of getting himself dressed and fed and to GO! He got his pressure hose on (they're hard for me to get on him), dressed the rest of the way, shoes included, and got himself some food, into the recliner, and the computer rigged up on a board in his lap. He says I baby him too much. I guess I do, but it's so hard seeing him struggle in pain. He lifted himself up for a pressure release, and his legs spasmed straight out and he could hardly sit down. Don't know what I can do about things like that, though! Truly, Arnold S. will have little on him in the upper body department when he gets through with his strengthening!
He's looking for something to do. He was so active before, that just sitting around is driving him crazy. Anybody have any ideas how he can keep his body moving without gigantic exercise equipment?
It was raining today, and he needed to go home teaching. He has 2 pipe-like holes in the back of his wheelchair. I had a huge picnic umbrella that was just the right size to fit into one of them; blue and white striped, very classy indeed! He wheeled down the road, covered and dry. It was great! I just told him to watch out for any big winds!
I have to go to bed earlier than midnight tonight. Tomorrow is therapy day, register the car day, grout the bathroom, clean the office/put everything in it, now take everything out of it day. Gotta get stuff to storage,too. Surely, there's no lack for me to do, just find something now for Cam to keep himself occupied. I know he doesn't need me near him 24/7. I still get nervous when he transfers from the wheelchair to another place of repose. I never know which muscles will refuse to cooperate to get him there.
Thank you again for all the words of encouragement and pledges of love and prayers. You truly will not know in this life how much I needed to hear them and what they mean to me. Friends, those I know and those I haven't met yet, mean the world to me.
Today has been a very good day!
Love,
Sharon

Here's a poem that popped into my head:
"Sometime"

Sometime when you're feeling important,
Sometime when your ego's in bloom,
Sometime, when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room;

Sometime when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow this simple instruction
And see how it humbles your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to your wrist.
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.

You can splash all you please when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute
That it looks quite the same as before.

The moral in this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can.
Be proud of yourself, but remember,
There is no indispensable man.

Annon.

That's what I need to remember, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO SOMETHING, AND MY WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY!
Ok, now I can go to bed.
Love you all!
Sharon